Never thought that i would find my self saying this, but I used to be a man

[elsinore]

That's basically what I said, except you missed out the tinned travel sweets and beige cardigans.

 

Ah, but I was eating a beige cardigan and wearing a tin of travel sweets whilst posting.

 

Els

[elsinore]

What about the 'cricket teas' and why can't they all stick to 20/20

 

'Cricket Teas' is a separate chapter and as for 20/20.....Toytown Cricket

 

Hrumph! Sniff!

 

Els

[Woolleykat]

Apologies oh cricketness - bet it's popular in toytown though, can just picture Noddy at the crease with Big Ears behind - no wisecracks:p

[remus]

Thanks Guys, laughed so much, the tears are rolling:D

[Rooster-UK]

Elsinore, your explanation has mad it a lot easier to understand, but what about the off-side rule?

[elsinore]

Ah, yes, jolly good question Rooster. This would normally have been covered next week in ‘Fielding Positions’, but as you have asked I’ll be happy to explain.

 

The field of play is divided into two halves, the off-side and the on-side. If you imagine that you are a bowler for the fielding side about to bowl at a member of the batting side then the off-side is on the left side, unless of course the batsman is left-handed in which case the off-side is on the right side. That isn’t to say that the right side is the correct side, merely that it is opposite to the left side. In fact there are many situations in which the right side will be the wrong side. That’s the upside.

 

The Off-side Rule.

If you are fielding at deep cover-point on the off-side, the bowler is bowling half-volleys short of a length just outside the corridor of uncertainty and the batsman is an Australian, do not

a) sign autographs for schoolboys

b) indulge in jocular banter with friendly Australians in the crowd

c) adjust your designer sunglasses to a more rakish angle

d) admire yourself on the big screen

e) take a drink which has been generously offered by a friendly Australian spectator

f) look skywards when invited to by a pointing friendly Australian spectator

 

as a cricket ball travelling at 120mph and striking you on the off-side of your head (or the on-side for that matter) can cause some discomfort. Such discomfort will not be felt by members of the batting side who will be beside themselves. That’s the downside.

 

N.B. This rule only applies if it is not raining, which is seldom.

 

HTH:)

 

Els

[Mr lex]

See, thanks to Elsinore, Cricket's ever so easy to understand !!!!

[ukaviator]

Yes thank you Elsinore. Do you know the rules for Football by any chance?

 

These are a few my friend found, while the World Cup is on. Especially the England games. These are for Wives, Girlfriends, Mistresses, etc

 

You should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

 

During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

 

If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

 

During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor….it wont happen.

 

It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

 

Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.

 

You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

 

The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

 

Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because :

a) I will not go,

b) I will not go, and

c) I will not go.

 

But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

 

The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be : “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

 

And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

 

Is this clear now Ladies?

[Bookworm]

The above explains why, despite his many other apparent and not so apparent flaws, I am soooooo happy I am married to Mr Bookie, as he's not a sport aficionado of any kind, alle-bloody-luia. He has a symbolic following for Newcastle, which used to go as far as buying Newcastle shirts for his sons and occasionally the odd England one, but now son no1 has lost interest in football too, that lone attempt at male bonding has disappeared too. (for which my bank manager is grateful! and that would be another rant by itself)

 

The house is sports free. Ok, so he watches "How to be a property developper" and "Location, location, location" a lot, but I can cope with that a lot better.

[Lula]

Madame Bookie, you of all people should know why he is watching LLL, its Kirsties Big ol' boobies, you know he has a penchant for them lol

[Bookworm]

Lula, trust me, it's not Kirsty, he actually likes all these programs (not just LLL). Addicted to them, he is.

[Lula]

I like them all too

[Mr lex]

Humff!!!

 

So you dont watch 'Homes under the hammer' then ?

 

(Lex goes off to pour Mrs Lex a stiff drink)