Funny E-mails :-)

[Brassed off]

I get so many really funny e-mails so thought I would start this thread so we can all share some of our favourites I was just looking through mine to find the picture I have of the Queen in a McDonalds uniform but can't find it - I've got some belters though:-

WICO

 

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSESFOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;

DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK

OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place

Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -

Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;

DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;

BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY

AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES

& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;

LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counselors available

 

Especially for Mr Bo who is still doing the washing up eight hours after we've eaten

 

Subject: A girl's night out

 

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are

married....If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost

your sense of humour.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight , 'I promise!'

 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded, I headed for home.

 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times.

 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12

cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

 

Th e next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

' MIDNIGHT '... He didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo

clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,

and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

 

Drive Through ATM Procedures

 

 

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

 

 

MALE PROCEDURE

 

 

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

 

 

* 2 Put down your car window.

 

 

* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

 

 

* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

 

 

* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

 

 

* 6 Put window up.

 

 

* 7 Drive off.

 

 

 

FEMALE PROCEDURE

 

 

* 1 Drive up to cash machine.

 

 

* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.

 

 

* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.

 

 

* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.

 

 

* 5 Turn the radio down.

 

 

* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

 

* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.

 

 

* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

 

 

* 9 Insert card.

 

 

* 10 Re-insert card the right side up

 

 

* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

 

 

* 12 Enter PIN.

 

 

* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

 

 

* 14 Enter amount of cash required.

 

 

* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.

 

 

* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.

 

 

* 17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

 

 

* 18 Place receipt in back of chequebook.

 

 

* 19 Re-check make-up again.

 

 

* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.

 

 

* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.

 

 

* 22 Retrieve card.

 

 

* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

 

 

* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.

 

 

* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.

 

 

* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

 

 

* 27 Release handbrake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[fedup74]

:D

 

Subject:* Retail Therapy

>

> A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her

> day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and

> a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third

> everything had just been reduced to a fiver

> when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor

> notifying her that her husband had just been in a

> terrible accident and was in critical condition and in

> the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her

> husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon

> as possible.

>

> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was

> shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she

> decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading

> to the hospital.

>

> She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing

> her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee

> slice complimentary from the last shop. She was

> jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling

> guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor

> in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

> The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went

> ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope

> you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the

> past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband

> has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's

> just as well you went ahead and finished, because it

> will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever

> take! For the rest of his life he will require round the

> clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

>

> The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and

> sobbed...........

> The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just

> pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

>

[Rooster-UK]

Rofpmsl

[Brassed off]

Nooooooooooo

[The GodMother]

love the last one it is typical of some wemon.

 

The first one should work for Mr GM

[revolting peasant]

Fedup's is really funny but sadly true of some women.

 

When I was in hospital after a life threatening accident oneof my previous wives didn't go shopping, she went to Majorca for 2 weeks.

 

The divorce took about 6 weeks after she came back!!

[The GodMother]

Well that was very nice of her did she bring u back a present?

[jowalshy]

Call centre Classics.....

 

Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

 

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[SOD'EM]

Paddy calls up a relative and an old lady answers the phone. Here is the conversation.....

 

Paddy: "Erm....Hello...Is this 777 7777?

Old lady " Yes, it is".

Paddy: "Can you dial 999 for me, I've got my finger stuck in the 7".

[Brassed off]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

 

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

 

* Get off the merry-go-round, you're ****ed.*

[Brassed off]

The Engineers View of Christmas

 

 

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the

world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish

or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for

Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the

population reference bureau).

 

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household that comes to 108

million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa

has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time

zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems

logical). This works out at 967.7 visits per second.

 

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa

has around 1/1000'th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the

chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the

tree, eat whatever snacks have been left out for him, get back up the

chimney, jump into the sleigh and on to the next house.

 

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops are evenly distributed around

the earth (which we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our

calculations). We are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total

trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This

means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - - 3,000 times the

speed of sound.

 

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space

probe, moves at a poxy 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer

can run at 15 miles per hour.

 

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that

each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the

sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On

land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting

that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job

can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000

of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,

another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen

Elizabeth (ship not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per

second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in

the same fashion as a space ship re-entering the earth¹s atmosphere. The

lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per

second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,

exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in

their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26

thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth

house on his trip.

 

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from

a dead stop to 650 miles per second in 0.001 second, would be subjected to

acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems

ludicrously slim), would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015

pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to

a quivering blob of pink goo.

 

Lets not even consider the effects of the 108,000,000 potential units of alcohol that would have an adverse affect on his sleigh driving abilities

 

Therefore if Santa did exist, he is dead now. Merry Christmas

 

 

Well that's not very nice but hey, that's engineers for you

[fuzzybobble]

WICO

 

 

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

 

 

 

Is proud to announce the opening of its

 

 

 

EVENING CLASSESFOR MEN!

 

 

 

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

 

 

 

ALL ARE WELCOME

 

 

 

Subject: A girl's night out

 

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are

married....If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost

your sense of humour.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight , 'I promise!'

 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded, I headed for home.

 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times.

 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12

cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

 

Th e next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

' MIDNIGHT '... He didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo

clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,

and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

 

 

 

Now I know why I am single once again.

 

Has anyone got a link to a faulty/broken cuckoo clock for sale on ebay?

[Rooster-UK]

No, but there's one here.......

 

 

:D:D

[fuzzybobble]

At this time of night I find someone who is better at google image search and photobucket than I am.

 

 

Rooster-

 

AKA Waynes World.....

 

I'm not worthy......

 

[Brassed off]

You all know how much I love football

 

Well, some bright spark who forgot, decided to e-mail this to me today and I actually thought it was quite funny Says it all really

 

 

Who Said Footballers Weren't Intelligent?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "

David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."

Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."

David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."

Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."

Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."

Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "

Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."

Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "

Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."

Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."

Ian Wright

 

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."

Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."

Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."

Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."

Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."

Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."

Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."

David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."

Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."

Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."

Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."

Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."

Thierry Henry

 

[The GodMother]

that is brill

[hilaryfrances]

these are brilliant. thanks to one and all for cheering up a dreary afternoon

[tonycee]

Sex Quotes

 

Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature.

-- Marilyn Monroe

 

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

-- Drew Carey

 

Sex is a two-way treat.

-- Franklin P Jones

 

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

-- Drew Carey

 

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.

-- Julio Iglesias

 

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

-- Dave Letterman

 

Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good.

-- Bai Ling

 

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

-- Rita Rudner

 

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.

-- Sting

 

 

 

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

-- Steve Martin

 

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

-- Charles Pierce

 

Conversation like television set on honeymoon...unnecessary.

-- Peter Sellers (as Mr Wang in Murder by Death, 1976)

 

A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.

-- Redd Foxx (from Comedy Album - Huffin and Puffin)

 

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

-- Phyllis Diller

 

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

 

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

-- Woody Allen (Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1989)

 

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though.

-- Elton John

 

Sex is more fun than cars but cars refuel quicker than men.

-- Germaine Greer

 

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

-- Billy Crystal (City Slickers, 1991)

[suzieblooz]

Hope this doesn't get me Cagbotted

 

Some of the finest double-entendres on British TV & Radio :

 

* Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

 

* New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

 

* Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I

once rode her mother."

 

* Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

* US PGA Commentator - (commenting on Arnold Palmer) "One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

 

* Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live.

said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

 

* A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked - "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were

laughing so hard!

 

* Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

 

* Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said - "There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

 

* Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports - "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

 

* Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked - "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

 

* Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open - "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[fedup74]

:lol:

[The GodMother]

Please note these were all forwarded to me by brassed off. SO please blame her.

 

 

Sometimes...

 

When you cry...

 

No one sees your tears.

 

 

Sometimes...

 

When you are in pain...

 

No one sees your hurt.

 

 

 

Sometimes.

 

When you are worried.

 

No one sees your stress

 

 

 

Sometimes.

 

When you are happy.

 

No one sees your smile ..

 

 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

But FART !! Just ONE time...

 

 

 

And everybody knows!!

[The GodMother]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NHL 5.0,

CFL 3.0 and

Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

>

>

>

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,

Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program .These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend

Cooking 3.0 and

Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

[The GodMother]

URGENT WARNING..........

 

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON SATURDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

 

I WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

[The GodMother]

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY

 

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT --

 

UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT�

 

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One Sign You're Driving Too Fast........

 

 

 

[The GodMother]

>> Subject: FW: I LOVE Ben Franklin!!

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> For those who wish to have a glass of wine.. and those who

>> don't...this is something to think about.

>>

>> As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is

>> freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully

controlled

>> trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of

water

>> each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1

kilo

>> of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other

words,

>> we would be consuming 1 kilo of poop.

>>

>> However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or

tequila,

>> rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a

>> purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

>>

>> Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

>>

>> Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink

>> water and be full of ****