Leading a horse to water.

[Crapstone]

My Mom seems to be in the early stages of dementia or has had mini stroke. She is 72 and has always been active until late 2013 when she became ill with a rushed diagnosis of a urine infection. She hasn't been the same since, not cooking, forgetting things, frequently repeating things and not eating much.

 

My Dad has his own health issues and has tried to get her to see a Dr. I've also tried, several times, but she gets angry and doesn't want either of us to say anything or go in with her when she does see a Dr. She says she won't go if we do and thinks everything is ok and that her memory is good for her age.

 

I have power of attorney over finances but not health, and she is still not at that stage if I had.

 

As a family we are concerned but the Dr. will do nothing without her consent and Mom agreeing to let us in on it. I've been as gentle as I can and told her that it's nothing and it's pretty routine to get tested, plus the GP gets a bonus, (she likes them).

 

Has anyone else been through this? My sister in Canada is coming over to try to help but I think she will be disappointed with how stubborn Mom is.

 

I'm cooking meals for them and just trying to look after them. I'm not claiming anything for their care, ( just in case you wonder!). I give them meals but worry they aren't reheating them properly or storing them in the right way. They are always ready to eat when I take them but Mom doesn't want to eat anything other than crisps and bananas most days.

 

I know I have to be patient. My Dad is not, and gets frustrated at having to repeat things. As an example Mom was insisting that the bills had to be paid at the Post Office. Great stuff but on New Years Day?

 

Any suggestions are very welcome.

[Crapstone]

I thought as much..you have to wait until it gets worse before things can get better. A little disappointed at the lack of response but I know it's an awkward subject.

[reallymadwoman]

I have a similar issue with my Dad, with the added complication that he's still driving and I'm worried he's going to hurt someone - he's ok if he's just in the local area, but if he has to go further afield he gets confused and makes mistakes.

Have you tried speaking to your Mum's GP yourself? Face to face would probably be easiest but if you can't do that, write to them. If you're insistent that there's something wrong you might find they take some action for fear of repercussions if they don't and your Mum comes to some harm, and most GPs can be very subtle about how they approach this sort of situation. It's not strictly true that they need your Mum's consent - in a situation like this it wouldn't be unusual to be unable to get proper consent since that's one of the possible effects of the condition.

Other than that, if you're worried that your parents aren't coping in general, perhaps also a call to adult social services. They might be able to arrange meals on wheels or something, though I have no idea what sort of cost would be involved.

[Crapstone]

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?67184-Diagnosing-dementia-My-relative-wont-go-to-the-doctor-Podcast-February-2014

 

Trying to get things sorted and found this which I hope can help others.

 

Thanks reallymadwoman. My Dad is the same when it comes to driving. I can only compare it to having children and that's hard when they are your parents and you are the child! They take no notice of what I say even if it's in their best interest. I don't have any plans to pack them off to a care home and I'm always there for them. The stubborn muppets just don't realise it, even after a week with my sister trying to help out.

 

Tomorrow she goes back to -20 + wind-chill=- -40. It makes a change for someone to compliment the weather in England and say how warm it is. Perhaps she could take our parents and put them on ice until they find a cure for old age! For now we are taking it a step at a time and just doing what we can.

[reallymadwoman]

Thanks for the link, very informative. I wonder if Age UK might also be able to offer some help or advice?

Something we have noticed is that my Dad is getting aggressive at times. Mum thinks it's because he knows there's something wrong and he's scared.

Unfortunately I am often 600 miles away, my sister works full time and more and my neice, who lives locally, has a business and 6 children to cope with, so whilst we all do what we can, it's not nearly so much as we would like. I'm trying to get there for at least a few days every month but I'm not always up to the travelling.

[Crapstone]

I know how difficult it is, and how guilty you can feel but that doesn't change if you are 6, 600, or 6,000 miles away. Both my parents get angry when confronted with 'issues', but my Dad has relented and agreed that he won't be driving for much longer and it's something he can do without. I really do think they should lower the age for compulsory tests. My Dad was always a good driver, never had an accident, but lost confidence after he had a 'hit and run' which was no fault of his own a few years ago. Now it's just age, lack of judgement and co-ordination.

 

My Dad has always had a bit of a temper but has mellowed with age but now my Mom is the opposite! Yes, I do think it's because they know something is wrong but I don't think it's because they don't want to face it. Changes take a long time to come to terms with at whatever age, also I think they are worried about being a burden to anyone and causing a fuss.

 

I've found a seminar near where I live that discusses these issues and help carers and relatives to cope. Free to attend and are all over the country.

 

http://www.dementiafriends.org.uk

 

I don't think it's the care that's a problem. It's mourning the loss of a person that's still living and seeing their personality slip away.

[honeybee13]

Hello there.

 

I've been through this with my mother, although we didn't realise it was dementia for a while because mother was quite clever about hiding that.

 

Every area is different, I know, but I spoke to AgeUK and they gave me the number of the local social services co-ordinators in Somerset, in my mother's case. This unlocked the door to all sorts of things, like a care needs assessment, a social worker and meals on wheels. Fwiw, MoW down there cost £4 for a lunch for one.

 

The best thing that happened to us was getting a social worker, I have to say, and we haven't looked back since. I hope you find someone like that.

 

I sympathise completely with your problems, it's tough going.

 

Hugs, HB

[Crapstone]

Thanks HB. I'm getting there and I so appreciate your advice and messages.

 

 

Thank you so much and many hugs back.

 

Karen

[Ford]

crapstone

you mention a poss mini stroke. a mini/TIA is a warning, as a full stroke may be later. strokes are nasty.

[IdaInFife]

i had a similar issue but with my sister in her 30s. Every time i tried to mention things it ended up in an argument but it got to the stage i feared she was taking more medication than was prescribed ( morphine)

 

i telephoned her gp practice and spoke to her gp and told him my concerns and he was quite good about it actually.

 

few days later he did an impromptu home visit and unfortunately my concerns were confirmed however she listened to the gp and even although i had already said the same it was different.

 

try talking to your parents gp