Mental health: Have I done the right thing?

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Thanks xx

 

 

119.92 for 1msquare of cow poo, phew thats expensive

 

Last time I saw them he was still driving his posh JAG, hahahhahhahahaha, behave now I say to self xx

 

Just the thought thats making me giggle xx

[Dial Square]

Is it a convertible!

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Is it a convertible!

 

Nope but you neve know they might have upgraded with their invisible money

[Dial Square]

It would be great to recreate to scene in Back to the Future when the lorry load of manure ends up in Biff's convertible!

Right, I'd better go to bed otherwise I'll be asleep at my desk in work tomorrow! I'm not looking forward to it though as I can hear the OH snoring from downstairs!

Sleep tight.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Dads reasons for stopping me taking him to court was that he would lose his police pension if I did, the same night he stook a pillow over my head and I stopped breathing. he claims I collapsed and had fit, but I remember it clearly he was plying me with whiskey and moo of mum had gone to bed and left me with him, next thing I am taken to hospital and told I nearly died. I clearly remember the pillow being put over my head to stop me screaming and keep seeing it, he of couse told ambulance that he did call, I feel he panicked when would ahve to explain it, and said gave mouth to mouth.

 

I after that point was diagnosed an epileptic, but truly feel him stopping the air to my brain caused it or exasperated any epilepsy there. Of course when told the police what he had done he said I was doing it on purpose to make him lost his police pension and that I was mentally unstable.

 

I know what happened xx I am now epileptic but think anyone would agree even if underlying was an epielptic then a pillow stopping you breathing sure does not help, eviel get that he is.

 

See I am really angry xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I had collapsed as a kid from age of 11 and put the immense stress I was under worrying what other people thought of me was doing my head in, so it is possible I was epielptic much younger as our doberman was shot for apparantly attacking me, but I now see it he was scared and didnt know what to do and as a pup over reacted, I still remember begging them not to shoot him, it wasnt his fault, he was probably just trying ot wake me and I came around screaming.

 

Poor dog had a creepy name though ODIN.

 

That lovely dog used to share my bed and it was my fault he was shot.

 

Any way I am off to bed now, but serioulsy I am not a nutter re the pillow, you see I remember it clearly although my dad did insist I was unwell. They had even kept saying over and over agian not miuch happened to get me to repeat it, that made me suspicious they were recording me, once they had me saying nothing much happend, they seemed happy and relaxed, odd.

 

Thin gis I dont know about you, but nothing much happend, confirms something happened, any way night night xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

If my sisters accidently reads this they might recodnise me from the dogs name alone, just want to say I love them both and am not the mad ogre made out by mum and dad and as they were both aware, there was two entrances to my bedroom in cottage and dad used to call me down when they were asleep at house where dog was shot. I am not now well I know but that it is not my fault I am in such pain xx Love you both.

 

My nightmares reoccur often re those two houses all these years later, I could still with failing memory now draw the lay out of both houses furniture etc.......I see it most nights you see, it wont go away xx

[Dial Square]

I took my phone to bed so I can keep an eye on this thread before I fall asleep. I just want to say that he can't hurt you anymore. YOU won't let him as YOU have the power now. He has done unspeakable things that you know have scarred you for life and still affect you but everytime you feel really bad, try to concentrate on the fact that you are in control of your life now. I really hope with all my heart that you get an appointment soon and can get the professional help you deserve to give you the confidence to cope with it all. And of course we are always here if you just want to talk to someone. About anything. Even any old nonsense to give your mind a break! I have quite a knack for talking rubbish!

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Hi thanks for the support, I am fine. its hard to realise how quick I go downhill. I have said to myself that if over the next few days I find I am for hours getting upset about it to extent the night has gone and I dont know where, as last night, that I will get emergency appt as was offered.

 

I am hoping I can hold on till get normal referal so that they dont think me too much of a fruitcake, but will see how it goes, thanks again xx

 

Now wheres that cow poo?

[jackieandwayne]

You just carry on the way you are - everyone is unique. I like your posts - even when you are clearly depressed and rambling - I can get you! Anyway, its all too easy to misinterpret what someone has posted - because we can't see facial expressions as we would when having a conversation face to face. Other than our loyal trolls (of which you are not one!) I see very few people upsetting each other on here.

 

Have you thought how you help people with similar problems to yourself by posting on here? Don't put yourself down, just keep being you! We all like ya!

[watchinginvestigation2011]

xx:-)

[jackieandwayne]

Try getting a ton of liquid fertliser delivered and deposited on the drive - slurry! Wonderful, as it hits the ground it splatters the windows, the doors, the front garden, the walls. And it stinks to high heaven.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Thanks xx

 

Just got my appointment through today so only a few weeks to wait xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Really worrying myself sick about something I did yesterday and today. Cant go into details but I did not realise it was wrong to do so. Son thought it was okay and to be fair he is a minor but place I went to said it was free. So me being trusting me due to well being me thought it was okay if you know what I mean. So I come accross this article unrelated to what I did but similar in nature and thick sh** what difference is that to what I did and start to look into it and realise not much.

 

So me being me am worrying sick that I will be in trouble without it even getting to that stage or likely to according to what I am trying to argue with my common sence which of course has been ****e till now or I wouldnt have done it. So feel my compulsive nature and battling with my own brain is doing my head in, just as well I see the hospital soon xx

 

Re what I did it was a matter of something on the internet that said it was free, I did not know was wrong to do, as it said free to do so. I am telling myself not to worry till I hear otherwise as it seems now I know it is wrong that loads of people are doing it without worry, but me being me I know I am likely to cut myself up into little bits mentally for not again having the ability to say alright it says free, does it mean free or legal.

 

Just hope that if anything came of it, which hopefully should not, that they will see I punish myself enough as it is when realise how my being me is doing me in bit by bit.

 

I threw up when realised what I had done was not okay. I mean I would tell someone else not to worry till heard anything was raised because of what did, as in letter etc, but i know I cant switch off and if knew it was wrong would not have done it in first place.

 

God I wouldnt have gone onto it had my son not said it was free and angry as the adult I did not know different. Told him and me to not go on it again.

 

See the hospital on 11/7 thank god. Wonder if they can teach someone who forgets day to day how to mis trust things as given as what they say because it is making me ill and when should not be paranoid about something or when should not be on my guard, it seems I am.

 

Hecky thump:violin:

 

 

Well I wont do it again thats for sure xx

 

I hate me today, again

Edited June 16, 2011 by watchinginvestigation2011

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I mena it is only me comming accross an article today unrelated that said to myself is it okay, I might hear nowt and have learnt a big lesson, but the fear of the unkown I cant cope with, its like I have left myself open to un needed stress being as anxious as I am already day to day.

Its also sods law that you find such a indicator of something being not right, after the fact and not before, typical

 

I am learning, but seem to be very slow at it and once learnt something serious I know then. Do wonder wether I am lacking in common sence at all sometimes xx

 

Will have to try to switch off from this worry at least till see the hospital as already getting chest pains again and I know its stress from worries.

 

Press worry button to off please brain

 

xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Dyou know it reminds me of the story of little red riding hood and the big bad wolf. you would think she woudl know next time not to trust the wolf, but I seem to be unalbe to not trust the baddies or thinking okay when should be on alert, but yet on alert when should be unworried, weird xx

 

Suppose thats part on my mental illness or if not I am one stupid bugger when I look at me !!!!!!

[Dial Square]

Hi watching.

 

Sorry I've not been on for a few days so I'm just checking in. Try not to worry too much about the thing that you thought was free. I think I know the sort of thing you are talking about and I know numerous people that do it regularly. I'm pretty sure you won't want to do it again because of the worry and that one off shouldnt be a problem.

Glad to hear you have an appointment now. Everything seems to be heading in the right direction.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Thanks xx I have calmed down now:madgrin:

[honeybee13]

Hi watching.

 

I'm sorry you're going through it yourself, because you're very caring towards other caggers.

 

I hope your 'zen' stays in place, you deserve it.

 

Love from me, HB x

[watchinginvestigation2011]

xx Thanks xx

 

Sad to read how many like me there are in this world, lets hope they all find caring posters to respond to them like I found here, it counts when it is a black day xx

[Dial Square]

Hi watching.

 

Haven't seen you about for a while. Just wanted to check that everything is ok.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Bit low and feel odd because the jumpt from feeling so positive to low is exhausting. One min everything feels positive later its all gone.

 

Just a bit weepy so will get some sleep.

 

Thanks for asking, hope I havnt depressed everyone xx

 

Seeing hospital 11/7

[Dial Square]

Of course you're not depressing anyone. Sorry to hear you've been more down than up lately. It's great that you've got an appointment on the 11th. It's all heading in the right direction.

This might make you laugh a bit. Remember that dress I bought a while ago which was reduced from £60 to £18? I finally got to trying it on the other day and it's too tight!

Oh well, I could do with losing some weight!

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Ive just terrified the hell out of myself!!!!!!

 

Mind on other things, posting on the internet and I lean back for brief second as lappy getting hot on my legs.

 

I lean forward and see a man standing there in full police uniform.

 

What made me jump was the brightness of his clean shirt and I could see the details of the pockets etc.......

 

Didnt see his face but had dark hair and I screamed opened my eyes and he was gone.

 

He was no further than half a meter from me towering above me as I was sat down on bed.

 

Spooked the hell out of me but okay now xx

 

 

Sorry about the dress I have put half a stone on too, bum been glued to my bed due to asthma took turn for worse.

 

Hes gone now but I feel startled if that makes sence.

 

I was posting on other issue not re me, not re anything personal and up he pops with no warning.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

11/7 till hospital so not long now xx