jokes ill get told off for....

[labrat]

ok copied and pasted from various emails etc so dont blame me for spelling, site team will probably edit the more dodgy ones

 

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

 

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says

“Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

 

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

 

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

 

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head,

looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

 

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"

"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"

"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"

 

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married

for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

 

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

 

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small willys?"

Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"

He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"

 

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

 

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than

"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

 

My new Thai bride told me that a small penis would not really affect our relationship too much, but I do still wish she

didn't have one

 

One day Little Johnny and his friend were playing by a stream. Little Johnny noticed a bush and went over to it. His

friend couldn't figure out why Johnny was at the bush for so long so he went over to the bush to have a look. The two boys

were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden Little Johnny took off running. His friend couldn't

understand why he had run away so he took off after him. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he had run away.

Little Johnny said, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard,

so I ran."

 

Little Johnny comes into the kitchen and asks his mum "What is love juice?"

Mum goes pale and tells Johnny to go and ask his dad.

So Little Johnny goes to his dad and says "Dad, what is love juice?"

Dad pales too but thinks oh well, the time has come for the "big talk" and proceeds to tell Johnny a very elaborate

version of the facts of life.

Little Johnny is standing listening with eyes like saucers.

When he had finished his explanation Johnny's dad asked "Where did you hear about love juice?"

Little Johnny says "I was watching the TV in my bedroom."

Johnny's dad asked "What on earth were you watching?"

Little Johnny "Wimbledon."

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it

and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration

clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me

next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of

Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

“I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had

an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father,

remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on

her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up,

you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip

recession

 

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.

She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.

She got married again and that husband failed in bed.

Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."

The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs.

"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.

"Tell me a little about you."

"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.

"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.

He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but

a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So

he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his

address, etc. but to no avail.The cabby said, 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!' So the

businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this

time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the

airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give

him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his

lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the

airport,' he asked? 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply. 'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?' 'What?! Get

the hell out of my cab.' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with

the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the

airport?' The cabby replied 'fifteen bucks.' The businessman said 'ok' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most

of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with

MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking

water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone

here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake..'

 

Golfer is surprised to see a beautifull naked blonde(natural) running towards him up the fairway, shouting "take me"

She is being followed by two guys in white coats.

One of them is carrying a bucket of sand and is lagging behind.

Golfer to guy with bucket of sand :"Whats going on?"

"Were chasing this escaped nympho "

Golfer:"Why the bucket of sand?"

Guy:"Its my handicap,I caught her yesterday"

 

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has

made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

Just got [problem]med out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

 

Re-arrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my e-mail friends...

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are

from 8 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

husband: I had a wet dream about you last night.

wife: Oh really what happened?

husband: You got hit by a bus and I p1ssed myself laughing.

 

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. But they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Edited July 18, 2013 by labrat
edited some words before i got banned proably missed loads tho