What Made You Smile Today?

[determindator]

Trying to get funny emails on here:-) have to give it another go.

[Dotty50]

How to tell the Sex of a Fly

 

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter...

 

“What are you doing?” she asked

 

“Hunting flies” he responded

 

“Oh, killing any?” she asked

 

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females” he replied

 

She was intrigued, she asked “How can you tell them apart?”

 

 

 

“Easy”, he said, “ 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!”

[determindator]

[duckwaddler]

A racing pigeon landed in our garden yesterday evening, and seemed to have a sore leg/foot - he was so friendly and tame he kept trying to come into the kitchen

 

Anyway, I got the ring numbers and phoned the union up and the secretary told me he'd get in touch with the owner - it turns out that two weeks ago he came first out of four thousand pigeons in a race from France! He's one of the top racers! But it looks like he's been injured in his last race from France last weekend!

 

The owners are lovely people, and are going to have trouble getting up here to get him in the next couple of days, so we said we'd take a drive through with him, then we can see their other birds!

 

Funny thing is, he's from my hometown of Liverpool! So I'm really looking forward to it - I just hope I don't start blubbering when he has to go, I've grown quite attached to him

[locutus]

it turns out that two weeks ago he came first out of four thousand pigeons in a race from France! He's one of the top racers! But it looks like he's been injured in his last race from France last weekend!

 

I'm not surprized he's one of the top racers if he gets people to give him a lift every race!

[burlyb]

lol mate

 

I did a job for a bloke about three years ago and he'd been away in spain for a month and when he got back he found a dead pidgeon in his front room that had fallen down his chimney and then discovered thousands of pounds worth of damage where this huge bird had crashed around almost every room in the house and poopied all over his suite etc....................talk about mess

[SOD'EM]

 

 

The owners are lovely people, and are going to have trouble getting up here to get him in the next couple of days, so we said we'd take a drive through with him, then we can see their other birds!

 

Funny thing is, he's from my hometown of Liverpool! So I'm really looking forward to it - I just hope I don't start blubbering when he has to go, I've grown quite attached to him

 

I'm from Liverpool DW and as far back as I can remeber my uncle has raced pigeons. I wonder if it's one of his? I've not spoke to him for a while and he only lives a couple of miles away.

[burlyb]

Dave Fishwick "Bank on Dave" what a great bloke and I hope the FSA get knocked about by him and his drive for transparent banking

[determindator]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked

her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said,

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

 

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

 

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

 

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and

the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving

his testicles.

[determindator]

Dear Mum Letter..... Brilliant!

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum.

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 

We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

 

Love, your son, Nicholas.

 

"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

 

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

 

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[determindator]

Did I read that sign right?

 

 

 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

 

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

 

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

**********************************************************

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

*******************

[burlyb]

phew lol

 

I have a seen a sign for a small local hospital that read

 

family planning dept

enter in rear

[caro]

There's a sign for a swimming pool near us. I keep meaning to take a picture. There's a letter missing so it says ....

 

 

 

Strangely I've never been too keen to go and try it!

[caro]

Dave Fishwick "Bank on Dave" what a great bloke and I hope the FSA get knocked about by him and his drive for transparent banking

 

Brilliant, and he's also got support from Vince Cable to try and help him overcome obstacles being put in his way.

[determindator]

To Caro and BB:lol: for sign language.

 

As Dave says, what did the FSA do to keep the Bankers in check, as I think not fit for purpose.

[burlyb]

I have a Swis friend and when we drove over there some years ago I read a road sign that showed the way to a small village called......................Peterswinkle.................and she asked me why I was almost pmsl and seeing that AND my name is peter ..........................

[determindator]

Looks like the weather should improve:-D

[Night Owl]

Perfect!! Great weather on the horizon and I have just started 5 nights!! Maybe I could combine the two and strap myself to a large spit roast so that I could enjoy the sun and sleep in the day!!

[lexis200]

I took in cakes for the kids' teachers and the reception staff today, and got hugs from them for it:)

[burlyb]

thats great Lexis I used to love it when my boys were in primary school.

 

I got the job of building a reception and year one playground at their school back in 2002 I talked way past the wants of the what the firm of archtects asked for and in fact pulled them up on so many safety points that their representative took me to one side and asked me to go work for his company lol.........the job was started during the schools summer holiday and so it meant that I could not take my son's away anywhere that year but oh well.

The job was BIG with lots of new textures and items too much to list here and the headmaster kept calling to check the progress and towards the end he was saying .......oh no it will not get finished we'll over run the re-opening of school etc etc BUT in the end I finished it 4 days before MY schedule and I also gave the school £600.00 pounds back off what they were meant to be paying me and I plced two little hardwood benches for the little kiddies to sit on in nice weather and I dedicated them with little brass plaques from my late wife who used to be a play ground assistant there.

 

Lovely little job lovely memories and loads of ohhh's and ahhhhh's from the mums dads and little kids as they walked through the new area.....

Edited July 20, 2012 by burlyb

[duckwaddler]

Perfect!! Great weather on the horizon and I have just started 5 nights!! Maybe I could combine the two and strap myself to a large spit roast so that I could enjoy the sun and sleep in the day!!

 

Oh God Owly, you almost owed me a new lap top then - I literally almost spat my coffee everywhere laughing

 

I took in cakes for the kids' teachers and the reception staff today, and got hugs from them for it:)

 

Lexi darlin! You have helped me get my baking life back, you really have, you've given me the confidence to experiment so much with gluten free flour! I even made some of the most delicious all butter shortbread last week! I am going to have to upload my latest piccies for your opinion I'm making a tradition Indian carrot pudding today (Garjar Halva), my friend makes it, and it is mind blowingly delicious - so I'm going to go one step further and make a marscapone icing to totally drizzle it with

 

What made me smile today was some great news from the doctors - I have several health problems, one of which is hypertension. Last year we went through a terrible time with someone who attempted to destroy my family and my life, the harassment, stalking and threats were unreal - this resulted in my blood pressure raising to a level that I was close to having a stroke - at one point it was 185/115.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the person in question was dealt with once and for all by the police - and has since left me alone, that was back earlier this year!

 

So, I have regular check up because of other health issues I have such as angina, raised PV etc, and on the last two weeks ago my blood pressure was down to 165/100 - and today I went for another check up, and my blood pressure is down again to 145/95!!!!

 

Okay, I'm still hypertensive, probably always will be, and still have to take the blood pressure meds - but I am officially no longer at death point BP!!! I am delighted

 

I think it's fair to say that stress is the biggest killer ever!

[Nystagmite]

That's wonderful, DW.

 

How much stress a friend of mine has saved me. Was meant to be picked up at Kettering next Friday and have to go via London. (see the swear thread) he then he'll pick me up from Tamworth instead. If I go to Tamworth, it's an easy journey with no changes.

[duckwaddler]

That's wonderful, DW.

 

How much stress a friend of mine has saved me. Was meant to be picked up at Kettering next Friday and have to go via London. (see the swear thread) he then he'll pick me up from Tamworth instead. If I go to Tamworth, it's an easy journey with no changes.

 

Driving is especially stressful - even more so for the person driving!

 

But you're so right, and thank you - I am delighted! Since the matter of the mad person has been dealt with by the police ( who were wonderful and did all they could ) - life really couldn't get any peachier!

 

I know they say that raised blood pressure is a "silent killer" - but when it gets extremely high, you do get symptoms, I was getting blind spots in my eyes, and was so very very tired!

 

I actually feel as if I have low blood pressure now, even though I'm still hypertensive.

 

My advise to anyone suffering from stress - no matter what it is or who is it causing it, remove it or them from your life! Life couldn't get any better now for me!

[burlyb]

DW I didnt heed the advice from the "dad" of the monster who caused me so much stress "she lives next door" ..........................he told me back in may 1999 when SHE started a series of lies about me "due to I had turned down her dirty and selfish advances to me" that she had offered me on the very morning that my wife passed away..................her dad told me to let it go due to stress will kill me.................it had a bliddy good go on the 1st of November 2006.

 

I still suffer stress and can't shake it and live in hope now that I will make it in life for a while yet

[aiden.gal]

that it's finally friday