The Daily Joke Thread...

[Archway]

I haven't been posting on this site for very long, but I have been a long time lurker, and I do believe, this is a fantastic site, well done guys, your knowledge is second to none.

 

I thought I'd start this thread as a lot of people on here could do with a laugh. We all at some stage, have had the excrement flying in our directions from various financial institutions, so I thought, let's have a laugh...

 

I'll start:

 

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. 'Why not?' asked the man.

 

'Because it's not safe', replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad', said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife is coming on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'

The doctor finally relented, saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?' The man said, 'No one showed up

 

 

 

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

[Archway]

I got into a fight on my way to a job this morning.

I bumped into the rear of a car that breaked suddenly.

Not the best way to start a day.

The drivers door of this car opens and out steps this little dwarf bloke.

He storms down to my truck and looks up at me through the window and screams.

I am not Fking happy.

I look back at him and say, well which Fcking one are you then.

Thats how it started.

[MONX]

Lol!

 

This is one of my all time favourite jokes, one of the only ones i can remember from my childhood but had me in fits even if and especially if im the one telling it...im smirking now thinking of the punchline!

 

An english man, a scottish man and an irish man are shipwrecked on an canibal infested island. For a day or so they have managed to avoid the tribes of canibals patroling the beach but on the second day they know that they are cornered between the canibals and the river out to sea which is too deep and wild to cross, the english man hides up a tree, the scottish man hides in a bush and the irish man finds a bit of sacking and covers himself in it.

 

The tribe reach where they are all hidden and some of the tribesmen shake the tree the english man is hiding in, he meows like a cat and they ignore him, they poke the bush the scottish man is hiding in who in turn barks like a dog..him too the tribesmen ignore, they come across the sack on the beach and poke it with their spears...the irish man says "potatoes, potatoes"!

 

I know that this joke is hardly pc but it was told to me in the seventies and has stuck with me since..no offence was meant to english, irish, scottish, canibals, cats, dogs or potatoes!

[SOD'EM]

3,500 feet in the air, the captain says on the tannoy....

 

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am your captain and I would like to welcome you all on this flight from Manchester to Malaga. We will be expecting to land approximatel OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHH*****TTTT!!!!!!!"

 

Silence fell for about 2 minutes, then the tannoy goes again.....

 

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking and I must apologise for the earlier outburst, It's just that the hostess spilt a cup of boiling hot coffee on me. You should see the state of the front of my trousers."

 

 

 

One of the passengers shouts...."You want to see the back of mine!!!!!"

[Archway]

A little boy walks up to his dad and asks where Poo comes from.

Dad explains that when food is passed down the oesophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste products decend via the colon and rectum. To emerge as Poo.

 

FecK me says the little boy, and what about Tigger?

[maroondevo52]

Two guys in the jungle are faced with a Tiger, lets run one shout's, what!! his mate says, you'll never outrun a Tiger......

 

No, but I'll outrun you

[stroke a badger]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly, when he hears a Knock at the door. When he opens it, a little Chinese man clutching a clipboard confronts him yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. “You sign, you sign!” Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong man and shuts the door in his face.

 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign, you sign!” Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting “You’ve got the wrong bloke, I don’t want them!” The he slams the door in his face again.

 

The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man, thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, “You sign, you sign!” Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront and yells at him, “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name. Who do you want to give these to?” The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says .

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“You not Nissan Main dealer?”

[Archway]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

 

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm

fine,'?"asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just

answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he

is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I

was Thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what the F*ck would you say?"

[Archway]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

 

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife/girlfriend in the boot of the car for an

hour. When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!

[Archway]

New teacher was walking around the classroom when she noticed a puddle of water under Mary Brady's chair, Mary she cried could you not have put your hand up, I did Miss but it ran through it anyway!!!!

[underdog13]

Pharmacist

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained,

 

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the

phone. I had to call six times before he would even answer the phone."

 

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist

interrupted him..., saying:

 

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning my wake-up

alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without

breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked

the house with both house and car keys inside so I had to break a

window to get my keys.

 

"Then, driving a little too fast getting to work, I got a speeding

ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a

flat tyre."

 

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people was waiting for me

to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these

people, all the time the darn phone was ringing continuously."

 

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash

register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I

had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the

phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open

cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a lot

of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

 

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. Finally, I was

able to get back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know

how to use a rectal thermometer.......

 

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[Archway]

A young country boy phones his dad and says "dad i have hit a pig with the truck, and he's stuck in the bull bars hollering,what will I do?"

 

 

Dad says "shoot the pig and put him outa his misery"

 

Boy says "ok pa back in a minute"

 

2 shots ring out !!

 

Boy comes back on phone "pa what will i do with his patrol bike????"

 

 

:D :D

[Archway]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

 

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

 

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

 

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

 

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

 

[locutus]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

 

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

 

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

 

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

[kiptower]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

 

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

 

(Now that's more like it!)

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

 

( O.M.G .!)

 

 

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

 

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

 

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death . (Creepy.)

 

(I'm still not over the pig.)

 

 

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

 

 

 

The

male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its

body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

 

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

 

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

 

 

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

 

 

 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. ( Hmmmmmm......)

 

 

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

 

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

 

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

 

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

 

 

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that. )

 

 

 

Starfish have no brains

 

(I know some people like that too.)

 

 

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

 

 

 

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

 

 

 

(What about that pig??)

 

 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to,

maybe even a chuckle.

 

 

AND I STILL WANNA BE A PIG!!!!

[hilaryfrances]

a man goes to the doctors wearing a big hat, once in the surgery he removes the hat to show the doctor that on his head he has a lagoon with a palm tree, a deckchair with a table which has a tray of drinks on it.

"What do you make of this?" he asks the doctor,

 

the doctor replies, Oh dont worry about that, it is only a beauty spot"

 

 

I will get my coat

[locutus]

A middle-aged woman spends $5000 for a face-lift and feels pretty good about herself.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?"

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 68 and my eyesight is not so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast... After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay, okay,... that's enough, how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?"

He replied, "I was in line behind you at McDonald's."

[Mungypup]

A woman is in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches. The judge asks "How many peaches were in the tin?" to which she replies "There were 4." He tells her that she will serve 1 month for each peach. As she is being lead away her husband shouts from the public gallery...

"AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS!!!"

[MONX]

I should bally well think so! lol...that is a baaaaaaaaaaaad joke, almost as bad as this one....

 

 

Q: what is white and swings through the jungle?.

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A: Tarzan the fridge!!!!!

 

 

 

Q: what is white and blue and swings through the jungle?

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A: Tarzan the fridge with a denim jacket on!!!!!!!

 

 

Its the way I tell 'em!

[locutus]

Along the same lines....

 

 

Q: what is yellow and swings through the jungle?.

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A: Tarzipan

[hilaryfrances]

:rolleyes:groan

[kiptower]

One day, a loose string went into a bar and asked for a drink.

The bartender said:, "We don't serve loose strings in here. Get the

hell out right now."

So, then the string went into the men's room and proceeded to tie

himself into a knot.

Then he messed up his hair really good and went back into the bar.

He bellied up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink.

The the bartender says:, Hey, aren't you the same loose string I just

threw out of here?

And the string replied:

No, I'm a frayed knot.

 

and theres more

 

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.

Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

 

and the worst 2

 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria

 

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

[locutus]

a man goes to the doctors wearing a big hat, once in the surgery he removes the hat to show the doctor that on his head he has a lagoon with a palm tree, a deckchair with a table which has a tray of drinks on it.

"What do you make of this?" he asks the doctor,

 

the doctor replies, Oh dont worry about that, it is only a beauty spot"

 

 

I will get my coat

 

 

:rolleyes:groan

 

[MONX]

Along the same lines....

 

 

Q: what is yellow and swings through the jungle?.

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A: Tarzipan

 

 

Ohhh i love that one...gonna copy it if you dont mind lol

[kiptower]

dont blame me for these , just got em' in an email

 

 

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'