argos card services/bcw group/cabot

[ScabHunter]

I think you are all being extremely ungrateful.

 

I strongly advise you to accept this wonderfully generous full and final settlement offer.

 

"Darling Mr. R. Sole (Manager),

 

I note with considerable interest your offer of a 50% Full and Final settlement.

 

As you have no paperwork to legally enforce this alleged debt, you are in fact asking for a charitable donation.

 

It has been rather irksome at this time of year to have to deal with people asking for charitable donations for such meaningless and irrelevant causes as children, and the military who fought for this country and the freedom of the world. I therefore find it extremely refreshing to be given the opportunity to donate to the cause of communication and love.

 

I think of all those lonely people who never receive personal letters, and how much difference your threatagrams will make to their lives. I think of the poor wretched souls whose telephones never ring, and whose lives will be so much richer for your persistent and uplifting communications.

 

I think also of the paper industry, and the wonderful financial contribution you make to that. I think of the otherwise-unemployable mental retards who are kept off the street and given satisfying and meaningful employment by contributors such as yourselves.

 

I am so pleased to be able to accept your offer of settling the account for half of the outstanding balance, and will be delighted to offer a much deserved financial contribution to your organization.

 

As you are unable to supply paperwork with which to determine any balance on the said account, the only balance which can apply is one of £0.00p.

 

I have consulted with my former mathematics teacher, and am reliably informed that half of this outstanding balance amounts to £0.00p.

 

I have a cheque written out in the amount of £0.00p, which I will be happy to forward to you on receipt of a cheque for my necessary costs in making this donation.

 

In order for me to collect my cheque book with which to make said donation, I needed to visit the bank. This requires a bus fare of 20p.

 

In fact, as I had nine other shops to visit on the same journey, I am more than prepared to accept the sum of 2p as full reimbursement for my expenses.

 

Or, at least I would have been until last week.

 

Now, sadly, the council have just removed the bus route.

 

This necessitated the purchase of a motor vehicle. As the only garage I could reach from my home sells very expensive and brand new vehicles, this incurred a charge of £42,689.

 

Bugger. These ostentatious and overly luxurious vehicles are too big for my garage. Therefore, I had no option but to buy one of the far bigger houses on the new luxury estate on the way to the bank. This sadly meant I incurred a further charge of £1,546,232.

 

Oh, dear. The council are always doing something, aren't they? Sadly, the work being done on the roads around this estate has meant that I am unable to visit the bank without the building of a new bypass. The estimated expense of this is around £23million.

 

In the true spirit of generosity which your offer exhibits, I will forego any recompense for council budget overrun. On clearance of my cheque for £24,588,921, I will forward your donation.

 

Provided you include an SAE so I am not out of pocket.

 

Yours In The Spirit Of Love,

 

gavv8"

 

SH